OK...so last week was school vacation week. Wicked sweet in terms of a work schedule...5 full days off and free from working with kids. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids but I love my days off. Vacation week, though, is not sweet in terms of eating. I have a very regular schedule during the school week. Breakfast at 7:30ish, lunch at 11ish, and dinner at 6 or 7ish. I don't really have opportunities to snack, except for when I am with my old school Italian home service mom who always tries to feed me. Other than that, I can usually stay in the clear on a weekday.
Vacation is another story...I sleep later, eat lunch at different times, I don't plan my meals as strictly, and I eat out more frequently. All in all it's a recipe for failure. As my previous post proves, it was not a TOTAL failure as evidenced by my delicious, fruity salad from the 99. I won't get into an entire recap of the previous week as it's been awhile since I posted, but I will highlight some important moments:
Tuesday-
Held it together today. Protein bar and yogurt for breakfast. Grilled cheese on whole grain bread, half a bag of Panera chips, tacos made with 93% fat free beef and 2% cheese, and no dessert. Probably the best day of the week.
Wednesday-
High point was lunch. THE SALAD. I have been telling everyone this story. I know, I know. It may not seem like much to the average person. Doesn't everyone eat salad? Well the answer is no...I don't think I have eaten a salad more then 10 times my whole life...and I NEVER, EVER have ordered it in a restaurant. I will be stuck on this moment for weeks (if not months) to come. It went downhill after lunch, though. Went to a cookout that night...had some smartfood (not too bad), a few chips (a little worse), and full fat hot dogs and a frozen burger. Have you ever looked at the nutrition facts for one of those things. EESH! It's awful...they really don't offer any nutritional value, but they do taste good (mostly only when covered in cheese, ketchup, and mustard on a toasty bun). I did totally avoid some (so I heard) delicious chocolate chip cookies and blueberry cake and ate 2 malted milk eggs. I consider no cookies to be a minor victory, but the hamburg and hot dogs make me sad. :0( (PS- I also turned down ribs...just sayin'.)
Thursday-
This day didn't get off to a good start. I stopped at Dunkin's for an ice coffee and slipped. I bought a french roll. Have you ever eaten on of these? I prefer one to sandwich sausage and cheese, but I at least showed some restraint. I brought it home, toasted it, and ate one half with spray butter and the other half with Skippy All Natural peanut butter for some protein. I don't consider this brakfast to be all bad (did I mention how I didn't make it a wonderful breakfast sandwich) but I think my Dannon Light and Fit and protein bar would have been the wiser decision. Lunch was meh. I went to Subway and somehow managed to steer completely clear of the oh so wonderful meatball marinara that I oh so love there. I know not everyone loves Subway, but something about that sandwich makes my mouth water...the sauce, the cheese, the toasted bread. Agggghhhh. (Picture Homer Simpson discussing a donut). It was so hard to resist, but I did it and went with a grilled chicken, american cheese, lettuce, and 2 slices of bacon flatbread. It sort of falls into the healthier choices selections there. I accompanied this with baked lays (NOT Doritos) and felt pretty good. Dinner was at the Outback and I was convinced on the way there that I would get a burger, but game time changed my decision. I went with the quesadilla. Grilled chicken and cheese with a plain baked potato on the side. Sugar free pudding for dessert..breakfast here is the clear loser.
Friday-
Ooooh. I would rather leave this one off the books, but I did have one moment of clarity and strong will. I had hot dogs and mac and cheese for lunch and a meatball calzone for dinner. Ugh. Don't get me wrong...each and every bite of these meals was so wonderfully tasty and to a point, heartwarming, but I definitely could have made better choices. Despite these food follies at lunch and dinner, I really shined Friday night. My friend's son was upset about my nephews leaving to go home so I thought a little Dairy Queen action would distract him (I am sticking with the story that makes my motives sound pure and in no way selfish). We waited FOREVER in line and throughout the whole ordeal I had it in my head I was going to get a kiddie cone of vanilla with sprinkles. Now even this choice is a huge step from the usual Blizzard I gorge myself on, but as I went to order I felt a sudden pang of guilt. I didn't do well at lunch or dinner, but did that mean I needed to throw the entire day away? I heard myself say the words "fat free, sugar free fudge bar". Wow...this thing was NOT Dairy Queen delicious, but at saved me a small portion of my dignity for the day.
Saturday-
Breakfast...good, the usual. I had a piece of Papa Gino's pizza and some breadsticks later in the afternoon. I can't excuse this as Papa Gino's breadsticks are covered and cheese and Phase (never heard of Phase?...it's hard to describe, but it's like a synthetic butter only more oily...it makes things taste wayyyy good, but wayyyyyy bad for you), but I was eating with a person (who will go unnamed, but you could probably guess) who stresses me out to the max and it's easier for me not to flip out and scream when my mouth is busy eating. We ate dinner at the mall that night and I wasn't super hungry, but I was WICKED craving chicken tenders. I know these aren't good for you, but I felt if I completely avoided this hankering, I would completely flip out later and eat like 20 of them so I figured I was better off eating like 3 and getting it out of my system. Apparently, Arby's doesn't sell chicken tenders anymore, but rather popcorn chicken. Not exactly what I wanted, but it would serve it's purpose. Arby's popcorn chicken is more like chicken nuggets and I had like 5 of them. I only ate like 3 of my curly fries and let my hubby finish them. I had a few handfuls of popcorn at the movies (no butter) but considering Pat and I together only ate about 1/5 pf the bag, I can only assume that I ate less than a regular serving (which is like 4 cups). This Saturday still beats many, many, many previous Saturdays, but I know I could have done better. I could have done way worse, but also better.
Sunday-
Mom made french toast today. I can do without pancakes, but I LOVE french toast. I had a couple slices (no butter, though), 2 pieces of bacon, and 2 pieces of toast. My old Sunday breakfast would have been french toast, kielbasa, like 5 strips of bacon, and like 4 pieces of toast, I still held strong. I didn't eat lunch, but had 2 100 calorie packs for a snack. Dinner was ROUGH. Mom made chicken parm. My most favorite Italian food. She doesn't fry it so it's not too bad there, but I did save myself and eat pieces of chicken without cheese. Instead of the mozzarella, I used shaker cheese, which adds far less fat and calories. I only had 1 serving of pasta. Mom made a homemade sauce, which is only tomatoes and spices, so it is much better for me than a store bought sauce. Luckily, the Italian bread got lost somehow so only wheat bread was available which made it easier for me not to carb overload. Dessert looked delicious, but I denied the offering and stayed strong. It had chocolate and graham cracker in it and it made me a little sad.
Writing this all down has made me realize the bad moments were not as frequent as I felt they were and that even with my slipups, I am still doing much better than I was when I undertook this endeavor. Previously, when I made mistakes at various points throughout the day, I would give up altogether and completely throw in the towel (hello, Blizzard), but I am proud that when I could have just taken the easy way out and gone with what I really wanted, I compromised (fat free, sugar free fudge bars are kind of ice cream...right?) Anyway, today started a whole new week and a whole new chance to make healthy choices and smarter food decisions. I slipped today and ate too many Ritz crackers, but then I walked 3/4 of a mile to make up for it. I can't sit back and dwell on my mistakes like I used to...when I fall I have to figure out a way to get back up. Walk a little more when I eat a little more. It's about balance and trying to achieve it. That's my goal this week...a little more balance. Wish me luck!
P.S- I want to say this...I ate most of my meals with other people this week, but when I slipped it was my own fault. Group eating has never been easy for me and will probably always prove to be difficult, but I am responsible for these decisions. No one is making me eat anything or forcing these foods in my mouth. I need to learn that I have to adapt to what is offered to me and learn to control my portions. Fruits, veggies, and other healthy foods are not always going to be at the ready, but it's how I handle the situation that I can control and I need to learn that control. I blame no one but myself for mistakes I make and the decisions I make. I control my own victories and failures.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
A Sign the World is Coming to an End...
I ordered a salad at a restaurant today. A legit salad...lettuce, strawberries. mandarin oranges, grilled chicken, dressing on the side. I must admit it was delicious. Crazy, I know. I never thought I would see the day, either. Anyway...felt I had to share this pretty unbelieveable news. Pictoral proof is provided...I knew you wouldn't believe me without it.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Overall pretty pleased...
It's Monday. The weekend is over, which normally would be a huge disappointment, and a new week has started. Since I am on school vacation, Monday is not so disappointing. Normally, Monday is disappointing on two levels. 1- I have to work a 12 hour day, which in and of itself blows and 2- I usually feel pretty gross based on the terrible food decisions I made starting Friday night and ending Sunday night, with dessert at my parents. My body, as often as it consumed and digested horribly bad food, still rebelled and after a weekend of gross, entered into a food coma/hangover that was unparalleled anywhere in the universe. Today, though, I woke up with an unfamiliar feeling. Well, actually, there was a noticeable lack of feeling...I didn't have a stomach ache/headache/sluggish feeling brought on by the sugar/carb/calorie/fat overload that usually defines my weekend.
Now don't get me wrong...Jillian Michaels wouldn't be jumping up and down about my achievements this weekend, but I have to say that I am kind of proud of myself. Form your own opinion, but here is my recap:
Friday-
Dangerous possibilities. I had to go to a wedding which could be a threat on many levels. The food served there is not always prepared the healthiest ways, there are usually delicious appetizers, you don't often eat dinner until later, and obviously...there is cake. I <3 cake, like woah. I was almost doomed to failure when I had about 7 seconds for lunch at work on Friday because we were short staffed. Usually that means I inhale awful for me things after work. This time I just finished what was left of my lunch (which I discussed in previous post) when I arrived home and on the way up to Danville, NH for the wedding I had like 7 reduced fat cheez-its. So we get to the wedding and it's already 6:45 and I haven't eaten dinner so previous experience tells me there is a huge pig out ahead. Warning bells and sirens should be seen flashing here. Luckily, in terms of appetizers my choices were pretty limited to better for me choices. I had some fruit and two crackers. This previously would have been about 20 crackers an djust as many pieces of delicious cheddar cheese. Dinner was served and to my horror it was a buffet. There is no coming back from that. I took my one piece of chicken (breaded and filled with ham and cheese, but chicken nonetheless), some cooked carrots (I prefer non cooked, but desperate times call for desperate measures), a twice baked potato, a scoop of mac and cheese (c'mon, we talked about this), a roll, and some cucumbers. I ate the whole chicken (but not all the breading or filling), half the potato, three bites of mac and cheese, the roll (w. no butter!) and all the carrots. To my advantage, there was no actual cake, but there were pastry trays and I did not even stroll over to them to browse. No dessert again...I think this is a record.
Saturday-
Generally, a really, truly awful day. It generally starts with a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin's (often accompanied by a donut). For lunch it is usually take out of some sort and dinner is eaten out, preceded by an appetizer and proceded by dessert. EPIC FAIL. This day though was a whole new day and I tried my best to keep it together. Breakfast was my protein bar and some raisin bran so it was all good in the hood there, but lunch could have taken a huge turn for the worse. I went out with my sister-in-law to the 99. I am a huge fan of this establishment's "wings and skins sampler", which is a heart clogging combination of honey bbq wings and fried potato skins covered in cheese and bacon. So bad, yet so good. Plus, as if this meat and potato killer isn't bad enough, I usually order a side of warm, crunchy, buttery rustic bread, which in actuality is two pieces. Soooooo the 99 is not a place I frequent for the salads. I glanced at this pleasurable concoction on the menu, but kept right on going. I decided on the honey bbq chicken wrap, which I know isn't the best choice either, but I often ate this while I did WW and still lost the poundage so I considered it to be pretty safe. I tried to remove all temptation and order a baked potato in substitute of french fries, but I was foiled when Ashley (our perky waitress) informed me that baked potatoes are not served until after 4 p.m. Urrrgh. I probably should have just said no to any sort of side, but I chose the fries and steeled my will as to be ready when they arrived. I munched on some popcorn while we waited, but the food came rather quickly and I was pitted against the worthy adversary known as the french fry. I didn't put ketchup on my plate hoping that this subtle move warned my opponent that I meant business. I enjoyed the first half of my wrap and then casually picked at a fry, eating one and only one. Then I enjoyed the second half of my wrap, casually consuming one more fry (which was actually really so small it could be called a frylet). Then, I pushed my plate away from me and stopped eating. What?? Only 2 french fries?? (well 1 fry and 1 frylet) I KNOW!! Seriously, historic moment. I mean I have not ordered french fries before, but never and I mean NEVER have I had so many sit on a plate in front of me and showed such resistance, such will power. EPIC WIN. Dinner was at Finder's Pub that night and I had one spring roll, an individual pizza, baked potato, and some popcorn. Given that I normally would have eaten my own appetizer, hot dogs and fries, and then dessert, I consider this trip to be FTW (for the win) as well. After dinner, at my friend's house, I avoided double stuffed oreos and brownies and enjoyed some sugar free pudding and cool whip. In my past fat girl life I would have had about 3 or 4 brownies and just as many, if not more, oreos (did I mention that they were double stuffed?) Those brownies and cookies sat inches from my eating hand while we played cards, but I kept it under control. God give me strength.
Sunday-
You know those scenes on TV when the family sits around a table as the mom loads it full of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and other delicious breakfast treats? You know how you watch those scenes and tell yourself no mom out there actually ever does this? Well, my mom does. Every Sunday. Pancakes, bacon, kielbasa, toast, cinnamon buns. Breakfast heaven...or hell, depending on which way you look at. Last Sunday it was heaven...this one, not so much. To make it worse, Linda made muffins. Big deal? Linda NEVER makes muffins. She was testing me...I knew it. I mentioned my efforts to her and she wanted to see how seriously I was taking it this time. Sneaky, sneaky Linda. So I summon all my courage as I sit at the table. I picked 1 piece of bacon (regular) and 2 pieces of turkey bacon, and 1 piece of toast. My nephews sat across the table from me, licking their fingers off frosting and syrup, and it took all I had not to snatch a cinnamon bun out of the pan and shove it in my mouth whole. I did eat 1 muffin, but used butter spray, not real butter to enjoy it. I think I ate another piece of toast, but the smell of sugar started to make me delirious here so my recollection of the entire event is a tad fuzzy. So hard. At about 12:30 I got hungry again and had 2 100 calorie packs and at 3:30 I met a friend for lunch at Panera...holy calories, Batman. I go to Panera for 1 thing and 1 thing only: CARBS. I love carbs. Pasta, potatoes, bread...carbs are wonderful. My usual meal is a breadbowl with baked potato soup, half a grilled cheese, and a side of french baguette. Helllloooooo cheese (maybe my second weakness after carbs) and carbs. So I arrive at Panera early to scope out the non carb loaded menu and weigh my options. Even the small mac and cheese curbs a lot of my efforts so I quickly brushed this aside. The baked potato soup isn't available on Sundays so that helps my situation a tad bit, but the choice is still tough. I settle on a chicken sandwhich, substituting american cheese for cheddar, knocking out some fat and calories, and had them not put mayo (not because I wanted to save, but because I just don't like it). I didn't finish every bite of sandwich, but I did eat the side of french bread. I just love carbs. I had turkey, corn, and mashed potatoes for dinner, but didn't eat the cake my mom made. No dessert. That is seriously getting old.
So I can honestly say that I feel good about this weekend. I know I didn't avoid all temptations, but did stand up to some pretty heavy hitters and took no prisoners. I kicked some ass and took some names (I mean you, 99 restaurant and pub french fries). This week presents its own set of challenges as I am on vacation and have lots of unstructured time on my hands. Unstructured time = unstructured eating. There are probably more restaurants in my future this week than usual and I don't always fare well during public eating. So I am expecting the worst, but hoping for the best, and hopefully will land somewhere in the middle (but nearer to the best).
Now don't get me wrong...Jillian Michaels wouldn't be jumping up and down about my achievements this weekend, but I have to say that I am kind of proud of myself. Form your own opinion, but here is my recap:
Friday-
Dangerous possibilities. I had to go to a wedding which could be a threat on many levels. The food served there is not always prepared the healthiest ways, there are usually delicious appetizers, you don't often eat dinner until later, and obviously...there is cake. I <3 cake, like woah. I was almost doomed to failure when I had about 7 seconds for lunch at work on Friday because we were short staffed. Usually that means I inhale awful for me things after work. This time I just finished what was left of my lunch (which I discussed in previous post) when I arrived home and on the way up to Danville, NH for the wedding I had like 7 reduced fat cheez-its. So we get to the wedding and it's already 6:45 and I haven't eaten dinner so previous experience tells me there is a huge pig out ahead. Warning bells and sirens should be seen flashing here. Luckily, in terms of appetizers my choices were pretty limited to better for me choices. I had some fruit and two crackers. This previously would have been about 20 crackers an djust as many pieces of delicious cheddar cheese. Dinner was served and to my horror it was a buffet. There is no coming back from that. I took my one piece of chicken (breaded and filled with ham and cheese, but chicken nonetheless), some cooked carrots (I prefer non cooked, but desperate times call for desperate measures), a twice baked potato, a scoop of mac and cheese (c'mon, we talked about this), a roll, and some cucumbers. I ate the whole chicken (but not all the breading or filling), half the potato, three bites of mac and cheese, the roll (w. no butter!) and all the carrots. To my advantage, there was no actual cake, but there were pastry trays and I did not even stroll over to them to browse. No dessert again...I think this is a record.
Saturday-
Generally, a really, truly awful day. It generally starts with a breakfast sandwich from Dunkin's (often accompanied by a donut). For lunch it is usually take out of some sort and dinner is eaten out, preceded by an appetizer and proceded by dessert. EPIC FAIL. This day though was a whole new day and I tried my best to keep it together. Breakfast was my protein bar and some raisin bran so it was all good in the hood there, but lunch could have taken a huge turn for the worse. I went out with my sister-in-law to the 99. I am a huge fan of this establishment's "wings and skins sampler", which is a heart clogging combination of honey bbq wings and fried potato skins covered in cheese and bacon. So bad, yet so good. Plus, as if this meat and potato killer isn't bad enough, I usually order a side of warm, crunchy, buttery rustic bread, which in actuality is two pieces. Soooooo the 99 is not a place I frequent for the salads. I glanced at this pleasurable concoction on the menu, but kept right on going. I decided on the honey bbq chicken wrap, which I know isn't the best choice either, but I often ate this while I did WW and still lost the poundage so I considered it to be pretty safe. I tried to remove all temptation and order a baked potato in substitute of french fries, but I was foiled when Ashley (our perky waitress) informed me that baked potatoes are not served until after 4 p.m. Urrrgh. I probably should have just said no to any sort of side, but I chose the fries and steeled my will as to be ready when they arrived. I munched on some popcorn while we waited, but the food came rather quickly and I was pitted against the worthy adversary known as the french fry. I didn't put ketchup on my plate hoping that this subtle move warned my opponent that I meant business. I enjoyed the first half of my wrap and then casually picked at a fry, eating one and only one. Then I enjoyed the second half of my wrap, casually consuming one more fry (which was actually really so small it could be called a frylet). Then, I pushed my plate away from me and stopped eating. What?? Only 2 french fries?? (well 1 fry and 1 frylet) I KNOW!! Seriously, historic moment. I mean I have not ordered french fries before, but never and I mean NEVER have I had so many sit on a plate in front of me and showed such resistance, such will power. EPIC WIN. Dinner was at Finder's Pub that night and I had one spring roll, an individual pizza, baked potato, and some popcorn. Given that I normally would have eaten my own appetizer, hot dogs and fries, and then dessert, I consider this trip to be FTW (for the win) as well. After dinner, at my friend's house, I avoided double stuffed oreos and brownies and enjoyed some sugar free pudding and cool whip. In my past fat girl life I would have had about 3 or 4 brownies and just as many, if not more, oreos (did I mention that they were double stuffed?) Those brownies and cookies sat inches from my eating hand while we played cards, but I kept it under control. God give me strength.
Sunday-
You know those scenes on TV when the family sits around a table as the mom loads it full of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and other delicious breakfast treats? You know how you watch those scenes and tell yourself no mom out there actually ever does this? Well, my mom does. Every Sunday. Pancakes, bacon, kielbasa, toast, cinnamon buns. Breakfast heaven...or hell, depending on which way you look at. Last Sunday it was heaven...this one, not so much. To make it worse, Linda made muffins. Big deal? Linda NEVER makes muffins. She was testing me...I knew it. I mentioned my efforts to her and she wanted to see how seriously I was taking it this time. Sneaky, sneaky Linda. So I summon all my courage as I sit at the table. I picked 1 piece of bacon (regular) and 2 pieces of turkey bacon, and 1 piece of toast. My nephews sat across the table from me, licking their fingers off frosting and syrup, and it took all I had not to snatch a cinnamon bun out of the pan and shove it in my mouth whole. I did eat 1 muffin, but used butter spray, not real butter to enjoy it. I think I ate another piece of toast, but the smell of sugar started to make me delirious here so my recollection of the entire event is a tad fuzzy. So hard. At about 12:30 I got hungry again and had 2 100 calorie packs and at 3:30 I met a friend for lunch at Panera...holy calories, Batman. I go to Panera for 1 thing and 1 thing only: CARBS. I love carbs. Pasta, potatoes, bread...carbs are wonderful. My usual meal is a breadbowl with baked potato soup, half a grilled cheese, and a side of french baguette. Helllloooooo cheese (maybe my second weakness after carbs) and carbs. So I arrive at Panera early to scope out the non carb loaded menu and weigh my options. Even the small mac and cheese curbs a lot of my efforts so I quickly brushed this aside. The baked potato soup isn't available on Sundays so that helps my situation a tad bit, but the choice is still tough. I settle on a chicken sandwhich, substituting american cheese for cheddar, knocking out some fat and calories, and had them not put mayo (not because I wanted to save, but because I just don't like it). I didn't finish every bite of sandwich, but I did eat the side of french bread. I just love carbs. I had turkey, corn, and mashed potatoes for dinner, but didn't eat the cake my mom made. No dessert. That is seriously getting old.
So I can honestly say that I feel good about this weekend. I know I didn't avoid all temptations, but did stand up to some pretty heavy hitters and took no prisoners. I kicked some ass and took some names (I mean you, 99 restaurant and pub french fries). This week presents its own set of challenges as I am on vacation and have lots of unstructured time on my hands. Unstructured time = unstructured eating. There are probably more restaurants in my future this week than usual and I don't always fare well during public eating. So I am expecting the worst, but hoping for the best, and hopefully will land somewhere in the middle (but nearer to the best).
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It's a Series of Small Victories (and Defeats)
I am four days into this thing and while I have had a few weak moments (can we discuss how WONDERFUL Smartfood is??) I have also had a few strong ones, too. Monday I had a sensible breakfast (I HIGHLY recommend LunaBar chocolate peanut butter protein bar...it's divine.) and a Lean Cuisine based lunch with a fruit and veggie thrown in and a yogurt for good measure. Now I find yogurt to strictly be a necessary evil. There are other kinds I enjoy more than others, but really it's something I eat because I just feel I should. I generally try to choke it down while whatever hot food I am eating is microwaving, telling myself I am not allowed to eat said delicious food until that yogurt container is empty. I have literally stood by the microwave, shoveling Dannon Light & Fit into my mouth, nearly gagging on whatever fruity flavor they claim it to be (I tend to favor strawberry and orange ones...just an FYI). I always feel better when I scrape the plastic for the last bits of yogurt, but it is usually a struggle to get there.
But I digress...so breakfast and lunch Monday was a success. I didn't get a sausage and cheese breakfast sandwich at Dunkin Donuts as I previously had enjoyed frequently, nor had I tasted the joy that is a LalaJava muffin. (For those of you that have never been there, you are totally missing out.) Then dinner Monday was a mix. I had an orange (weird I know, but I didn't have enough veggies for the week for lunch and dinner so it had to be a fruit), ham steaks (not the worst choice, but there are far better ones) and macaroni and cheese, which I'm sure will prove to be one of my major nemesis in the battle. I <3 macaroni and cheese. It's an amazing combination of pasta (frequently in more fun shapes than the usual thin strands of spaghetti or tubes of ziti) and a wonderful, melty, ooey, gooey cheese sauce that is obviously incredibly unnatural and contains very little actual cheese substance, but addicting and satisfying nonetheless. It is an incredible weakness of mine and will surely prove to be an obstacle between me and my healthy self. The only upside of the mac and cheese?? I didn't eat the whole box (don't judge me) and it was the Velveeta made with 2% milk so it contains half the fat of regular. It's baby steps...right???
Tuesday, I had the same breakfast and lunch (substitute chocolate peanut butter Luna for cookie dough) and WW meal for Lean Cuisine. Dinner was at my parents' house that evening so that meant of course, that the meal was Italian. Pasta, to be exact, with meatballs and chicken. So I resisted the cheese ravioli and had spaghetti, but as I ate it I realized that there was more on my plate than there should have been. I had chicken tender with my pasta, but I think I was a little too liberal with the shaker cheese (or "sugar" as my darling youngest nephew calls it) and while in terms of cheese, fake parmesan is not adding a major amount of fat and calories, but maybe next time there needs to be a measuring procedure based more on actual measurements and not just on what I think looks like a reasonable amount. I figure my lack of ability to judge "reasonable" has gotten me to the situation I currently find myself in. But aside from dinner which might not have been my finest moment, I can honestly say it was after that I find my proudest moment of the week. Are you ready?? It's pretty impressive... I. Didn't. Eat. Dessert. Big deal, you say?? So what?? I retort with yes...it's a MAJOR deal. Not only am I a HUGE sweets fan (double meaning...get it??), but in my parents freezer was a creamy, delish ice cream cake that yours truly made on Sunday. Oreo cookie and hot fudge crust, chocolate and vanilla ice creams, and cool whip and sprinkle topping. It's not the most creative dessert but it gets the job done on may levels. I watched my husband and my sister-in-law eat some and my mouth watered. I feel my mouth watering as I write this. It was torture seeing them enjoy that thing, BUT I resisted. When I got home I made air popped popcorn with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray. For the record, not even a magician could make that stuff taste like the pleasure I had turned down. But I went to bed feeling better about myself than I had previously and I guess that in itself is a pretty impressive feat.
Wednesday is where I lost my footing. I had the same breakfast and lunch, but after school I was STARVING. I had not been snacking at all Monday or Tuesday but on Wednesday by like 3:30 I couldn't handle the rumblings any longer. Unfortunately, I wasn't home and was at the mercy of gas station snacks. I walked into the store with my bravest face on and blocked my nose so I couldn't smell the Subway bread that was baking in the corner, beckoning to me. It was almost like those old cartoons when that girl cat got doused in something gross and Pepe LePew was attracted at first scent. I scoured for a good 7 minutes (ask Laura, she was waiting in the car) and was torn. Should I go for some sort of bar loaded with sugar? Or the Smartfood, which is only 100 calories per single serving bag? I chose the Smartfood. Good choice? Not when I eat the whole double serving bag. Ugh...kicked myself for that decision as soon as I found my fingertips grazing the bottom of the bag. I swore I was only going to have a few kernels, but my willpower failed me. Later at dinner, it failed me to the tune of too much pizza and more chips than I needed, but I snubbed a packet of Fun Dip and had nothing after dinner so I at least didn't completely ruin myself.
Today...same breakfast and lunch. (I am a creature of habit and don't like change so my food choices are very narrow...I am hoping to change this but can't comepletely change right away...at least that is what I am telling myself.) I resisted stopping for a piece of pizza on my way to Southborough, which had not been out of the ordinary for me previously. I did have some delicious corn chips at home services, but they are sold in the healthy aisle and are sweet potato flavored so I REFUSE to consider this a failure. Dinner was smartly portioned AND smartly chosen so props to me there and I have some Jell-o sugar free, fat free (hopefully not flavor free) pudding firming up in the fridge.
So there is the summary of my week. I am really trying to psyche myself up for the weekend. With no set schedule and more free time, I tend to kill any chance with horribly bad food decisions. I have a wedding tomorrow night (going to try really hard to turn down the cake) and a coffee date Saturday (which also is sometimes a pastry date). I just have to be strong and realize that if I make one mistake, I shouldn't blow the whole day (which was totally my motus operandi before). Wish me luck as the weekend approaches and I will update Sunday or Monday to let you know how well (or poorly) I did.
PS- Thanks for all the great feedback about my first post!!
But I digress...so breakfast and lunch Monday was a success. I didn't get a sausage and cheese breakfast sandwich at Dunkin Donuts as I previously had enjoyed frequently, nor had I tasted the joy that is a LalaJava muffin. (For those of you that have never been there, you are totally missing out.) Then dinner Monday was a mix. I had an orange (weird I know, but I didn't have enough veggies for the week for lunch and dinner so it had to be a fruit), ham steaks (not the worst choice, but there are far better ones) and macaroni and cheese, which I'm sure will prove to be one of my major nemesis in the battle. I <3 macaroni and cheese. It's an amazing combination of pasta (frequently in more fun shapes than the usual thin strands of spaghetti or tubes of ziti) and a wonderful, melty, ooey, gooey cheese sauce that is obviously incredibly unnatural and contains very little actual cheese substance, but addicting and satisfying nonetheless. It is an incredible weakness of mine and will surely prove to be an obstacle between me and my healthy self. The only upside of the mac and cheese?? I didn't eat the whole box (don't judge me) and it was the Velveeta made with 2% milk so it contains half the fat of regular. It's baby steps...right???
Tuesday, I had the same breakfast and lunch (substitute chocolate peanut butter Luna for cookie dough) and WW meal for Lean Cuisine. Dinner was at my parents' house that evening so that meant of course, that the meal was Italian. Pasta, to be exact, with meatballs and chicken. So I resisted the cheese ravioli and had spaghetti, but as I ate it I realized that there was more on my plate than there should have been. I had chicken tender with my pasta, but I think I was a little too liberal with the shaker cheese (or "sugar" as my darling youngest nephew calls it) and while in terms of cheese, fake parmesan is not adding a major amount of fat and calories, but maybe next time there needs to be a measuring procedure based more on actual measurements and not just on what I think looks like a reasonable amount. I figure my lack of ability to judge "reasonable" has gotten me to the situation I currently find myself in. But aside from dinner which might not have been my finest moment, I can honestly say it was after that I find my proudest moment of the week. Are you ready?? It's pretty impressive... I. Didn't. Eat. Dessert. Big deal, you say?? So what?? I retort with yes...it's a MAJOR deal. Not only am I a HUGE sweets fan (double meaning...get it??), but in my parents freezer was a creamy, delish ice cream cake that yours truly made on Sunday. Oreo cookie and hot fudge crust, chocolate and vanilla ice creams, and cool whip and sprinkle topping. It's not the most creative dessert but it gets the job done on may levels. I watched my husband and my sister-in-law eat some and my mouth watered. I feel my mouth watering as I write this. It was torture seeing them enjoy that thing, BUT I resisted. When I got home I made air popped popcorn with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray. For the record, not even a magician could make that stuff taste like the pleasure I had turned down. But I went to bed feeling better about myself than I had previously and I guess that in itself is a pretty impressive feat.
Wednesday is where I lost my footing. I had the same breakfast and lunch, but after school I was STARVING. I had not been snacking at all Monday or Tuesday but on Wednesday by like 3:30 I couldn't handle the rumblings any longer. Unfortunately, I wasn't home and was at the mercy of gas station snacks. I walked into the store with my bravest face on and blocked my nose so I couldn't smell the Subway bread that was baking in the corner, beckoning to me. It was almost like those old cartoons when that girl cat got doused in something gross and Pepe LePew was attracted at first scent. I scoured for a good 7 minutes (ask Laura, she was waiting in the car) and was torn. Should I go for some sort of bar loaded with sugar? Or the Smartfood, which is only 100 calories per single serving bag? I chose the Smartfood. Good choice? Not when I eat the whole double serving bag. Ugh...kicked myself for that decision as soon as I found my fingertips grazing the bottom of the bag. I swore I was only going to have a few kernels, but my willpower failed me. Later at dinner, it failed me to the tune of too much pizza and more chips than I needed, but I snubbed a packet of Fun Dip and had nothing after dinner so I at least didn't completely ruin myself.
Today...same breakfast and lunch. (I am a creature of habit and don't like change so my food choices are very narrow...I am hoping to change this but can't comepletely change right away...at least that is what I am telling myself.) I resisted stopping for a piece of pizza on my way to Southborough, which had not been out of the ordinary for me previously. I did have some delicious corn chips at home services, but they are sold in the healthy aisle and are sweet potato flavored so I REFUSE to consider this a failure. Dinner was smartly portioned AND smartly chosen so props to me there and I have some Jell-o sugar free, fat free (hopefully not flavor free) pudding firming up in the fridge.
So there is the summary of my week. I am really trying to psyche myself up for the weekend. With no set schedule and more free time, I tend to kill any chance with horribly bad food decisions. I have a wedding tomorrow night (going to try really hard to turn down the cake) and a coffee date Saturday (which also is sometimes a pastry date). I just have to be strong and realize that if I make one mistake, I shouldn't blow the whole day (which was totally my motus operandi before). Wish me luck as the weekend approaches and I will update Sunday or Monday to let you know how well (or poorly) I did.
PS- Thanks for all the great feedback about my first post!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
Here Goes Nothing...
OK...so for quite some time now I have been really very anti-blog. I often wondered why people would want to sit and write down all their thoughts and feelings and put them out on the web in order for others to judge and critique them. I never really saw the appeal, and quite frankly, still don't know if I really do, but for some strange reason I am feeling oddly compelled to start this little project. My husband (who told me he was pretending I didn't tell him I was doing this) has often told me I need a hobby. He has working on his truck (which we all know how much I love), but he felt I didn't really have something to occupy my free time, which I'm really not sure how much of that I actually have sometimes anyway. So maybe blogging is a good way to start filling those moments when I sit in the house annoyed that Patrick is out under his S10 while its up on jack stands. For those of you who don't know us very well, we call these days "Saturday" (and sometimes "Sunday" if I am really lucky).
Anyway, the point of this blog is not to just sit and discuss random musings about life or current events, because quite frankly I am pretty sure a blog of this nature just starts disagreements and arguments that I really have no interest in beginning. I hate conflict and do what I can to avoid it and therefore, this blog is going to serve mainly one purpose- share my ups and downs with the weight loss struggle that I will surely face beginning today- April 12, 2010.
I currently weigh more than any one human being really ever should. While I am not at the point that Jerry Springer needs to bring a crane to get me out of my house or Maury Povich comes to lock up my fridge, but I feel I am just a few Dairy Queen Blizzards from busting out of my already rather large plus size pants. I tried on a pair of capris from Lane Bryant two weeks ago and almost had a panic attack when I saw the size on the tag of the pair that actually fit me. It bordered on soul crushing.
I have never been happy with my weight, but I always made deals with myself. First it was I would fix things if I hit 200 pounds. Well that milestone came and went and I made a new deal. If I ever had to wear a size 20 then I would start to change. Guess what...a size 20 became a 22, which slowly became a 24. I am creeping up higher and higher and I never held up my end of the bargain. There have been consequences for this, but nothing seems to slow me down. Medically, I am a mess. High blood pressure and gallbladder surgery before 30?? Awesome. Socially there are consequences as well. At 16, on a trip to Six Flags Cleveland, my brother and I climbed aboard a roller coaster and guess whose restraint wouldn't close?? Want to see a 16 year old girl break down?? It was NOT pretty for any involved. While my friends were at the mall complaining about being a size 10, I sat quietly in the corner holding back tears because I don't ever remember being a size 10. But then, when we left the store, who suggested Pizzeria Regina and french fries? That would be this girl. I might not be small, but dammit, I was going to have fun being a big girl. The fun left a loooooooong time ago, but unfortunately I kept waiting for it to come back. Pathetic?...probably.
Now I have always been heavy, though at some points, I was on a downward trend. Twice with Weight Watchers I lost a very respectable amount of weight, but once I fell off that WW wagon, my weight shot back up and out came the fat clothes again (well I guess they could be called the "fatter" clothes since I was never really not fat). My life has been spent enjoying cookies, ice cream, pizza, and the like and trust me, it was fun, but lately it has been less and less fun. I looooove food, but unfortunately, it has really stopped loving me back. I don't blame it...no one was meant to eat the way I do. Now I can sit here and blame genetics and claim that I have heavy parents so what chance did I have? For awhile (most of high school) I sat back and
took this approach to life. That attitude got me nothing except a prescription for Atenelol my freshman year of college and my first membership to Weight Watchers courtesy of my mother and sister-in-law. Four months and 40 pounds later, I was looking good (well, better anyway). That glory didn't last long and then 4 years later I tried again and this time my magic number was 50, but once again, the pounds creeped back on when I let my guard down. Today, I sit here on my couch weighing more than I ever have, wearing bigger clothes than I ever have, and been more depressed about it than I ever have. There were 2 men in my life that could always make me feel better, but lately Ben and Jerry only pour salt in the wound.
Anyway, if for nearly 26 years, I have been this way, why am I all of a sudden so unhappy with this predicament I clearly have no one else to blame for?? It's been a long time coming and the level of disgust I have for myself is quite frankly long overdue. I really don't know how to phrase it any other way. I wish I could explain it without sounding pitiful, but there is no point in sugarcoating it. I am gross. Flat out, plain and simple, no beating around the bush...simply gross. I make jokes about being the "fat girl" and laugh at myself around others, but the laughter dies out quickly when I am alone.
I have so many reasons for needing to change, most of them being cliched and used by Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli, and Marie Osmond as they hawk their diet systems. Medically, the reasons are obvious. No person should weigh what I do. I shouldn't be on blood pressure medication at 26. Personally, there are even more reasons. I hate the clothes I have to wear, the stores I have to shop at, the looks I get while I am in public. I want to have a baby someday and that is not even a possibility with how things stand right now.
I am not writing this to garner sympathy or get people to feel bad for me because sympathy gets me no where. Honestly, I can't exactly say why I am writing this, I just feel like I should. I want to write down and share how I am trying to make this huge, drastic change in my life. Feel free to ignore it, comment on it, share it, whatever. If by putting this out there for all to see, maybe I will be held a little more accountable and not let myself slide like in the past. So here's my blog...me, my cravings, my diet, my struggle (and trust me...there will be one). Enjoy...it could be interesting. Or a major failure. Not too sure which direction I'm headed yet.
Anyway, the point of this blog is not to just sit and discuss random musings about life or current events, because quite frankly I am pretty sure a blog of this nature just starts disagreements and arguments that I really have no interest in beginning. I hate conflict and do what I can to avoid it and therefore, this blog is going to serve mainly one purpose- share my ups and downs with the weight loss struggle that I will surely face beginning today- April 12, 2010.
I currently weigh more than any one human being really ever should. While I am not at the point that Jerry Springer needs to bring a crane to get me out of my house or Maury Povich comes to lock up my fridge, but I feel I am just a few Dairy Queen Blizzards from busting out of my already rather large plus size pants. I tried on a pair of capris from Lane Bryant two weeks ago and almost had a panic attack when I saw the size on the tag of the pair that actually fit me. It bordered on soul crushing.
I have never been happy with my weight, but I always made deals with myself. First it was I would fix things if I hit 200 pounds. Well that milestone came and went and I made a new deal. If I ever had to wear a size 20 then I would start to change. Guess what...a size 20 became a 22, which slowly became a 24. I am creeping up higher and higher and I never held up my end of the bargain. There have been consequences for this, but nothing seems to slow me down. Medically, I am a mess. High blood pressure and gallbladder surgery before 30?? Awesome. Socially there are consequences as well. At 16, on a trip to Six Flags Cleveland, my brother and I climbed aboard a roller coaster and guess whose restraint wouldn't close?? Want to see a 16 year old girl break down?? It was NOT pretty for any involved. While my friends were at the mall complaining about being a size 10, I sat quietly in the corner holding back tears because I don't ever remember being a size 10. But then, when we left the store, who suggested Pizzeria Regina and french fries? That would be this girl. I might not be small, but dammit, I was going to have fun being a big girl. The fun left a loooooooong time ago, but unfortunately I kept waiting for it to come back. Pathetic?...probably.
Now I have always been heavy, though at some points, I was on a downward trend. Twice with Weight Watchers I lost a very respectable amount of weight, but once I fell off that WW wagon, my weight shot back up and out came the fat clothes again (well I guess they could be called the "fatter" clothes since I was never really not fat). My life has been spent enjoying cookies, ice cream, pizza, and the like and trust me, it was fun, but lately it has been less and less fun. I looooove food, but unfortunately, it has really stopped loving me back. I don't blame it...no one was meant to eat the way I do. Now I can sit here and blame genetics and claim that I have heavy parents so what chance did I have? For awhile (most of high school) I sat back and
took this approach to life. That attitude got me nothing except a prescription for Atenelol my freshman year of college and my first membership to Weight Watchers courtesy of my mother and sister-in-law. Four months and 40 pounds later, I was looking good (well, better anyway). That glory didn't last long and then 4 years later I tried again and this time my magic number was 50, but once again, the pounds creeped back on when I let my guard down. Today, I sit here on my couch weighing more than I ever have, wearing bigger clothes than I ever have, and been more depressed about it than I ever have. There were 2 men in my life that could always make me feel better, but lately Ben and Jerry only pour salt in the wound.
Anyway, if for nearly 26 years, I have been this way, why am I all of a sudden so unhappy with this predicament I clearly have no one else to blame for?? It's been a long time coming and the level of disgust I have for myself is quite frankly long overdue. I really don't know how to phrase it any other way. I wish I could explain it without sounding pitiful, but there is no point in sugarcoating it. I am gross. Flat out, plain and simple, no beating around the bush...simply gross. I make jokes about being the "fat girl" and laugh at myself around others, but the laughter dies out quickly when I am alone.
I have so many reasons for needing to change, most of them being cliched and used by Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli, and Marie Osmond as they hawk their diet systems. Medically, the reasons are obvious. No person should weigh what I do. I shouldn't be on blood pressure medication at 26. Personally, there are even more reasons. I hate the clothes I have to wear, the stores I have to shop at, the looks I get while I am in public. I want to have a baby someday and that is not even a possibility with how things stand right now.
I am not writing this to garner sympathy or get people to feel bad for me because sympathy gets me no where. Honestly, I can't exactly say why I am writing this, I just feel like I should. I want to write down and share how I am trying to make this huge, drastic change in my life. Feel free to ignore it, comment on it, share it, whatever. If by putting this out there for all to see, maybe I will be held a little more accountable and not let myself slide like in the past. So here's my blog...me, my cravings, my diet, my struggle (and trust me...there will be one). Enjoy...it could be interesting. Or a major failure. Not too sure which direction I'm headed yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)