Here Goes Nothing...

OK...so for quite some time now I have been really very anti-blog. I often wondered why people would want to sit and write down all their thoughts and feelings and put them out on the web in order for others to judge and critique them. I never really saw the appeal, and quite frankly, still don't know if I really do, but for some strange reason I am feeling oddly compelled to start this little project. My husband (who told me he was pretending I didn't tell him I was doing this) has often told me I need a hobby. He has working on his truck (which we all know how much I love), but he felt I didn't really have something to occupy my free time, which I'm really not sure how much of that I actually have sometimes anyway. So maybe blogging is a good way to start filling those moments when I sit in the house annoyed that Patrick is out under his S10 while its up on jack stands. For those of you who don't know us very well, we call these days "Saturday" (and sometimes "Sunday" if I am really lucky).

Anyway, the point of this blog is not to just sit and discuss random musings about life or current events, because quite frankly I am pretty sure a blog of this nature just starts disagreements and arguments that I really have no interest in beginning. I hate conflict and do what I can to avoid it and therefore, this blog is going to serve mainly one purpose- share my ups and downs with the weight loss struggle that I will surely face beginning today- April 12, 2010.

I currently weigh more than any one human being really ever should. While I am not at the point that Jerry Springer needs to bring a crane to get me out of my house or Maury Povich comes to lock up my fridge, but I feel I am just a few Dairy Queen Blizzards from busting out of my already rather large plus size pants. I tried on a pair of capris from Lane Bryant two weeks ago and almost had a panic attack when I saw the size on the tag of the pair that actually fit me. It bordered on soul crushing.

I have never been happy with my weight, but I always made deals with myself. First it was I would fix things if I hit 200 pounds. Well that milestone came and went and I made a new deal. If I ever had to wear a size 20 then I would start to change. Guess what...a size 20 became a 22, which slowly became a 24. I am creeping up higher and higher and I never held up my end of the bargain. There have been consequences for this, but nothing seems to slow me down. Medically, I am a mess. High blood pressure and gallbladder surgery before 30?? Awesome. Socially there are consequences as well. At 16, on a trip to Six Flags Cleveland, my brother and I climbed aboard a roller coaster and guess whose restraint wouldn't close?? Want to see a 16 year old girl break down?? It was NOT pretty for any involved. While my friends were at the mall complaining about being a size 10, I sat quietly in the corner holding back tears because I don't ever remember being a size 10. But then, when we left the store, who suggested Pizzeria Regina and french fries? That would be this girl. I might not be small, but dammit, I was going to have fun being a big girl. The fun left a loooooooong time ago, but unfortunately I kept waiting for it to come back. Pathetic?...probably.

Now I have always been heavy, though at some points, I was on a downward trend. Twice with Weight Watchers I lost a very respectable amount of weight, but once I fell off that WW wagon, my weight shot back up and out came the fat clothes again (well I guess they could be called the "fatter" clothes since I was never really not fat). My life has been spent enjoying cookies, ice cream, pizza, and the like and trust me, it was fun, but lately it has been less and less fun. I looooove food, but unfortunately, it has really stopped loving me back. I don't blame it...no one was meant to eat the way I do. Now I can sit here and blame genetics and claim that I have heavy parents so what chance did I have? For awhile (most of high school) I sat back and
took this approach to life. That attitude got me nothing except a prescription for Atenelol my freshman year of college and my first membership to Weight Watchers courtesy of my mother and sister-in-law. Four months and 40 pounds later, I was looking good (well, better anyway). That glory didn't last long and then 4 years later I tried again and this time my magic number was 50, but once again, the pounds creeped back on when I let my guard down. Today, I sit here on my couch weighing more than I ever have, wearing bigger clothes than I ever have, and been more depressed about it than I ever have. There were 2 men in my life that could always make me feel better, but lately Ben and Jerry only pour salt in the wound.

Anyway, if for nearly 26 years, I have been this way, why am I all of a sudden so unhappy with this predicament I clearly have no one else to blame for?? It's been a long time coming and the level of disgust I have for myself is quite frankly long overdue. I really don't know how to phrase it any other way. I wish I could explain it without sounding pitiful, but there is no point in sugarcoating it. I am gross. Flat out, plain and simple, no beating around the bush...simply gross. I make jokes about being the "fat girl" and laugh at myself around others, but the laughter dies out quickly when I am alone.

I have so many reasons for needing to change, most of them being cliched and used by Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli, and Marie Osmond as they hawk their diet systems. Medically, the reasons are obvious. No person should weigh what I do. I shouldn't be on blood pressure medication at 26. Personally, there are even more reasons. I hate the clothes I have to wear, the stores I have to shop at, the looks I get while I am in public. I want to have a baby someday and that is not even a possibility with how things stand right now.

I am not writing this to garner sympathy or get people to feel bad for me because sympathy gets me no where. Honestly, I can't exactly say why I am writing this, I just feel like I should. I want to write down and share how I am trying to make this huge, drastic change in my life. Feel free to ignore it, comment on it, share it, whatever. If by putting this out there for all to see, maybe I will be held a little more accountable and not let myself slide like in the past. So here's my blog...me, my cravings, my diet, my struggle (and trust me...there will be one). Enjoy...it could be interesting. Or a major failure. Not too sure which direction I'm headed yet.